You are a jerk

Having a bad day? Want to bother something other?
Don't bother someone you know. It is better to bother someone you DON NOT know.

This story is a song from a californian comedian, Patrick Hanifin. You can also hear his song.
I also have a german version of this story.


you're a jerk!

well, I was sitting at my desk
taking a break
when I remembered a phone call
I had to make.

I dialed the number
and reached some fellow
a man who answered
saying, "hello."

"this is Patrick,"
I politely said,
"and could I please speak
to Robin Redd?"

he slammed the phone
down on me!
I can't believe how rude
some people can be.

well, I tracked down Robin
and gave her a call
I had transposed two digits
that was all.

after talking to Robin
I was still mad as thunder
at the guy on the phone
so I redialed his number.

I dialed (405) 842-9842.

the same man answered
in a harsh baritone.
I yelled, "you're a jerk!"
and hung up the phone.

next to his number
I wrote the word "jerk,"
put it in a desk drawer
and went back to work.

every couple of weeks
on a really bad day
I would call him up
and wait for him to say

that surly, "hello,"
and then I'd yell,
"you're a jerk!"
it made me feel swell.

I'd call (405) 842-9842.

later in the year
came Caller ID.
I'd have to stop calling,
disappointing for me.

I stewed and I stormed
'til I knew just how to go.
I dialed his number
and heard him say, "hello."

(disguised voice) "I'm with Pacific Bell.
my name is Frank Burgess.
are you familiar
with our Caller ID service?'

he screamed, "no!" hung up.
my god, he went berserk!
I called him back and said,
"that's because, you're a jerk!"

(405) 842-9842.

I told you this story
to help you keep your wits.
if something really bothers you
take care of it!

dial (405) 842-9842.

you're a jerk! part II

the old lady at the mall really took her time
pulling out of her parking space.
I thought that she was never gonna leave
so that I could take her place.

I backed up a little, and then a little more,
to give her big car plenty of room.
"great," I thought, "she's finally leaving.
I'll be in there pretty soon."

all of a sudden, this black Camaro,
like a comet from outer space
came flying up on her other side
and grabbed my parking place.

I honked my horn and I honked it again,
while under my breath I cursed,
"you can't do that, buddy!" I yelled at him,
"'cause I was here first?"

this guy climbed out of his Camaro
pretending I was a tree.
he walked towards the mall…eyes straight ahead
completely ignoring me.

I thought…"this guy's a jerk, too."
in his car's window was a sign that said, "FOR SALE."
I wrote down his number for future reference
on a piece of…junk mail.

a few days later, I was sitting at home
taking a break from work.
I had just finished calling (405) 842-9842
and yelling, "you're a jerk!"

that's (405) 842-9842

it's real easy
to call the jerk now
since I put his number
on my speed dial.

then I found a phone number.
I knew what I could do
the guy with the Camaro
I'd…call…this…guy…too.

three rings later
a man answered the phone,
"I'm calling about…the black Camaro
that you own."

"where can I see it?"
"it's parked in front
802 West 4th Street,"
he said with a grunt.

I asked him his name.
he answered, "Don Malone."
"well, Don,…you're a jerk!"
and I slammed down the phone!

802 West 4th Street.
yeah,
802 West 4th Street.

after I hung up
with a chuckle and a smile
I added Don's number
to my list…on speed dial.

for a month or two
my problems seemed small
'cause when things went wrong
I had two jerks I could call.

I'd call them at 2.
I'd call them at 4.
when they'd go to bed
I'd call them some more.

I'd call all the time
and just as a lark
I even taught my dog
to hit the speed dial
and bark.

(405) 842-9842
and now there's
Don Malone at
802 West 4th Street.

after months of calling
and hanging up the phone
it became an obligation
not the thrill I had known.

gave the problem some thought
came up with a plan
dialed Jerk #1
and when I heard the man

I yelled, "you're a jerk!"
but didn't hang up.
when he said, "hey, you!"
I responded…"yup!"

"stop calling me!" he growled
his voice got really low -
I waited just a second…and
answered him - "no!"

he said, "what's your name, pal?"
I answered, "Don Malone -
802 West 4th Street -
and I'm calling from home."

"my black Camaro's parked in front
right on the street.
come on over, jerk -
I think we gotta meet."

"I'm coming to get you, right now - Don."
"like I'm really scared of you!
you're a jerk!" I added - then hung up
and called Jerk…number…2.

when he answered the phone
I said, "hello, Jerk!"
I couldn't help it
I started to smirk.

"I'll kick your butt!" he said.
"well, here's your chance, clown.
I'm coming right over!"
and I set the phone down.

…I called the police,
"tell your cops on the beat….
a big fight's goin' down at
802 West 4th Street."

packed a quick picnic.
needed something to eat.
drove down to West 4th
and parked across the street.

10 police cars, attack dogs, a helicopter,
and a swat team all around.
they had those 2 guys
cuffed and down.

that fall I received a letter.
could hardly believe my eyes.
I was called for jury duty
it was those same two guys!

I was the jury foreman.
our justice system works.
we found the defendants…guilty
and a couple of jerks!

(405) 842-9842.
that's area code 405.